so I have been depressed most of my conscious life, it seems.
I have been through a rollercoaster of new emotions recently since I started treatment but one thing I did not prepare for… the loneliness.
Now that I am no longer busy with myself all the time.. how is it possible to feel so lonely? Why are the days so damn long? Never-ending episodes of loneliness and I need to find someone to talk or I will explode.
or maybe.. I just have to find ways to deal with myself.. being alone
edit: thanks to my favorite therapist the answer seems to be habituation
and because why not, let’s just paste my ranting about that on discord here:
[6:56 AM] flaming_lemons: @(another user) – I remember you comforting me when I was badly depressed :) – a year ago I finally found the right one (therapy+therapist) – it is totally worth it. Don’t be afraid of meds, either. They do work! Almost all the things holding me back / frustrating or distracting me are gone. I am focussed, determined (except when I cry for impossible love…) and am not afraid anymore. Quality of life is up 9000 – people who know me for a long time have asked me what happened and make me compliments. Sport and work is now just a part of the daily chores and I am genuinely enjoying life. Hang in there, there really is an end to it – but it took me 10 years to find the right approach >.<
[6:57 AM]Â flaming_lemons:Â Also depression is a vile bitch :(
[12:20 AM] flaming_lemons: I don’t get it.. I used to hang for NIGHTS on IRC random chatting and somehow on discord I just don’t feel right.. am I getting old?
[8:50 AM] flaming_lemons: I am on treatment for depression since November now.. I have recently experienced genuine joy for the first time in my life.
[8:52 AM]Â flaming_lemons:Â Also I have experienced the joy of falling in love and caring for someone for the first time recently.. and like a starving person being offered food after years of fasting… I sucked it all in way too fast and choked on it.
I am now facing a new emotion that I did not know before: Loneliness. How is it possible that the days are so bloody long? I was always busy with myself and my thoughts somehow.. how do people handle those endless days being all alone? I start to sympathize with people who want to go back to the office after working from home for years happily (or so I thought)
[8:55 AM]Â flaming_lemons:Â in a way I am grateful and happy (better late than never, right?) but I really would like to either talk to someone right now or be able to focus on my business.. and in this fucked up mindset I can’t seem to do either ;)
[9:07 AM] flaming_lemons: I guess I just want to talk to someone? Vent my anger and frustration? Yesterday I have done 1 hour bike ride, cooked pizza for my kids, called 2 people and asked them how they are, had a coffee date, played and cuddled with my cats, played with my ex’s dog, drove my daughter to a friend and picked her up again, cleaned my house.. and there was still so much Saturday left. Augh!